Wave of overwhelm

 Rising, inside of me the wave, of overwhelm,

Consuming every thought, every ounce of rationale,

Frozen stiff and burning up, at the same time,

Confused and lost, within, my own tormented hell.

One misplaced word, has cut so deep within,

Opening a wound, I hoped my smile kept hidden.

All that I know, and knew, is instantly lost to me,

A rabbit in headlights, so dazed, I cannot see.

Maybe you cannot see, the panic in my face,

Or the icy, gripping hands of fear, making my heart race,

My senses switched to overload, consumed by panic mode.

To disappear, to run, I make for the open road.

In this time, in this heavy moment, I cannot exist,

I run in search of safety, a sweet place to be fixed.

Dissociated, dreaming of a life that's pain free.

Searching for a new, or my unspoiled identity.

Dawn Annette Montague

6 February 2025

As a child, I often ran away from a very unhappy home. As a sensitive soul, injustices, beatings, and insults, weighed on me so heavily, it caused emotional overwhelm.

I ran in search of safety, a happier home and space to exist in. 

I have heard many of the painful childhood memories of others and mine is by no means the worst, I have heard.

But it has come into my realisation lately that for 54 years, I have been running, whenever my inner child, perceives a threat, which could be, simply a joke or unkind or misplaced word.

( There is an irony in there as I have developed my Mother's straight tongue.)

 Of course many times this is unintentional, the person may be as shocked as I am, my sunny smile, and easy laughter may fool them into thinking I can bear, and be the brunt of any joke, and many times I do laugh at myself.

The panic mode, which I can go into, is like my own inner hell. The shock and trauma, disproportionate to the slight which has caused them. I learned many years ago that when in panic) or survival mode, we lose 50% of our IQ, in the moment it simply isn't necessary, as we prepare for our flight, fight or freeze response.

This is why you cannot reason with a person, or teach someone in survival mode, the immediate and most pressing need is for safety, and to feel safe. Maybe the kind words and loving arms which I have never had in the moment.

The feeling of overload in the moment, I have tried to articulate in this poem. The tidal wave of emotion that rises and the history behind them are intertwined. I am learning about emotional dysregulation, which I recognise as something, I do suffer from, and the pain of perceived or real trauma is equally intense.

On the plus side as a highly sensitive person, used to dealing with intense emotions, I have developed a resilience and strength, which helps me deal with things, and bounce back, extraordinarily well.