The ( Insufficiently Recognised) Power of Words to Hurt*
In a small East European town, a man went through the community slandering the rabbi.
One day, feeling suddenly remorseful and mindful of just how unfair, many of his comments had been, he begged the rabbi for forgiveness and offered to undergo any penance to make amends.
The rabbi told him to take a feather pillow from his home, cut it open, scatter the feathers to the wind, then return to see him.
The man did as he was told, then came back to the rabbi and asked;
"Am I now forgiven?"
" Almost, " came the response.
" You just have to do one more thing. Go and gather all the feathers. "
" But that's impossible, " the man protested.
" The wind has already scattered them. "
"Precisely," the rabbi answered.
" Although you truly wish to correct the evil you have done, it is as impossible to repair the damage done by your words as it is to recover the feathers. " *
I have been reading a wonderful book,
" Words That Hurt, Words That Heal, " by Joseph Telushkin.
The title drew me in, as I know the importance of watching my words, the bible continually exhorts us to build one another up and encourage one another.
Honestly though, this is something I need to learn, and I know it will be a lifelong challenge.
But as I read, it dawned on me, words have inflicted the deepest, and most lasting pain, speaking as one who has been physically abused, it is words, that continue to wound.
More often than not words have been directed at me to tear me down, rather than build me up. Cutting comments and sarcastic remarks have made me feel demeaned and foolish, rather than valued, affirmed and treasured.
" Words said about us define our place in the world,
and once that definition is negative it is very difficult to reverse. "
I wrote the following poem to express the pain that words have inflicted, and that my hope is only in my rock and refuge.
It also highlights the difference between how we can use our mouths to tear down and reduce, or what we were created to do,, sing the praises of our glorious creator.
The Eternal Power of Words
Words, so hard, so hurtful and cruel;
Have done more damage, than a knife could do.
They have eroded my heart, eating away,
Continually wounding, the words that you say
Tearing me down, with humiliation, and blame,
Heaping upon me, huge mountains of shame.
But, God is my refuge, day after day,
I can always cling to Him and pray.
Waiting for Him, when the bright day dawns,
When my righteousness will shine like the sun.
Until that day, my mouth will overflow with praise,
Declaring God's Goodness, all of my days.
The bible from beginning to end, acknowledges the power of words.
John 1:1 In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.
Our precious Saviour is the Word, God created the entire universe with words.
Leviticus 19: 16 tells us, " Do not go about spreading slander among your people. " That is just two verses before the famous command to " Love your neighbour as yourself. " Leviticus 19:18
Personally, whilst I realise I must keep my tongue from evil (Psalm 34:13) and that James 3:4 compares the tongue to the small rudder of a ship which steers the whole vessel, I guess I still don't get it, that talking about others, and being careful what I say is really a big deal.
In terms of sin, I put it way down on the list, yet my bible doesn't!
As someone in love with words, who treasures the gifts of reading and writing, of words and language, I need to start taking this subject more seriously. Just as I need to take every thought captive, ( 2 Corinthians 10:5)
I need my conversations to be always full of grace.( Colossians 4:6) Which, I don't mind telling you will be challenging!
As James 3:2 says,
"We all stumble in many ways. Anyone who is never at fault in what they say is perfect, able to keep their whole body in check. "
Joseph Telushkin says, " We should handle our words as carefully as a loaded gun, what we say about others can define them indelibly. "
" People simply don't ever forget cruel words directed at them or against someone they love."
I may not see anything morally wrong with what I am saying, if it is indeed the truth, Jewish law however, forbids
" Lashon ha-ra," which is the Hebrew word for the telling of negative and mean spirited truths.
Mark Twain once said, " It takes your enemy and your friend working together to hurt you to the heart; one to slander you and the other to get the news to you. "
Slander can never be fully undone, and character assassination is rightly named because to destroy someones good name, is to commit a kind of murder. To speak behind a persons back, is referred to as stabbing them in the back, for good reason, we all know how much it hurts.
Words used cruelly are the worst pains we have suffered in life. Children are often victims of deeply hurtful and often repeated remarks which many will carry the scars of to their graves.*
"A torn jacket is soon mended, but hard words bruise the heart of a child. " Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
I remember well my Father's sarcastic put downs, he may have been laughing, but I was cut to the quick.
My Mothers favouritism and comparison caused me to believe that I was somehow less than others, and that their was something fundamentally wrong with me.
My step mother's cruel comments which made me feel less than a human being. I was defective and rejected and as I grew into adulthood taunts about my physical appearance shredded me of any ounce of confidence, and caused me to seriously, and fundamentally doubt that I would ever be worthy of love.
Praise be to Our precious Father in heaven, that he uses broken vessels, that He can use all for the good, and that He will one day wipe every tear from my eyes.
I believe that good communication and speaking well to people is a largely overlooked subject and this is too our detriment. Many of us have grown up in families where communication skills were not taught.
Imagine what damage the old message of; " children should be seen and not heard, " must have done within the heart and minds of those children. How could they grow up to be good communicators?
Added to this we live in an individualistic rather than collectivist culture. We do not spend hours in the company of others, and many of us spend the vast majority of our time alone.
I am convinced that as Christians we really need to focus on this area strongly.
We know that a few ill chosen words can damage a relationship forever.
We are to take the most important message, the message of the Gospel to others.
We are to show grace, mercy, build up and encourage.
Sadly I can count on one hand the amount of times that has actually been my experience!
For many of us the most damage we have ever done to another human being is through the words that we have said.
How many people I wonder have left the church, because of something somebody said? Maybe an ill advised, badly timed, not thought out, off the cuff comment, which wounded another.
So what can we do?
Pray ~ First and foremost pray before your interactions with people and even internally pray as you are speaking to someone, ask for the Holy Spirit to guide you, to give you the right words to say.
Gold there is, and rubies in abundance, but lips that speak knowledge are a rare jewel. Proverbs 20:15
Listen ~ Truly listen, engage with the person, give them your full attention for a few moments and focus on connecting with them. In Operation Mobilisation, I heard the phrase " connect before you correct, " it resonates with me, people need you to come alongside them and actually show that you care and listen. Jesus always listened to people.
Know this dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. James 1:19
Practice the pause ~ take a moment before you answer. Words are living and they can build up or tear down, wound or heal, make a connection or sever it forever, so wisdom would take a moment.
Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of a friend springs from their heartfelt advice. Proverbs 27:9
Beware of pious platitudes ~ they don't foster connection and it is more often than not a lazy brush off!
The words of the mouth are deep waters, but the fountain of wisdom is a rushing stream. Proverbs 18:4
Bless others ~ Let your conversations always be full of grace. Colossians 4:6 Get in gratitude habit, one can offer a blessing even in a hurry. Jewish tradition says offer 100 blessings a day, wouldn't it be wonderful if we all got into the habit of rejoicing, bringing God into our awareness of every moment.
Gracious words are a honeycomb sweet to the soul and healing to the bones. Proverbs 16:24
Avoid sarcasm ~ off the cuff comments, and put downs, they can be misunderstood and hurtful even if you are joking. You need to know someone really well, to know what they will find funny, and even then, on a bad day, an ill chosen comment can have them reeling.
The soothing tongue is a tree of life, but a perverse tongue crushes the spirit. Proverbs 15:4
Don't talk about others and stop complaining~ both are off putting in equal measure, complainers can be draining, especially those who don't want help but just enjoy moaning.
When I was very much younger I had an after college cleaning job. After work we would all sit and have a coffee. All well and good, but after each person got up and left,they were talked about. I dreaded leaving and sat in my chair as long as possible knowing I would be next!
Generally it is better to avoid those who talk about others negatively.
Without wood a fire goes out; without gossip a quarrel dies down. Proverbs 26:20
Do not be mislead: bad company destroys good character.
1 Corinthians 15:33
Take the eagle eyed view ~When you do quarrel with someone, or find communication difficult, it is better to take yourself out of the chicken yard, don't peck away at each other, but focus on what you really want to communicate and do so consistently, clearly and with humility.
Above all love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8
We are accountable ~ I believe we will be accountable for how we have spoken to others;
"But I tell you that everyone will have to give account on the day of judgement for the empty words they have spoken." Matthew 12:36
Therefore;
" Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest, if we do not give up. " Galatians 6:9
3 September 2022
* I have used many quotes from Words that Hurt, Words that Heal by Joseph Telushkin and I would like to acknowledge the title of this blog is from his first chapter heading, His words said so exactly, what I wanted to convey.
I was recently interviewed on Hope FM, if anyone would like to listen to the program,which is relevant to many of the issues mentioned in this blog, catch it here.
https://soundcloud.com/hopefmradio/hope FM-fm-best-bits-dawn-montague-aug-2022
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