Worthless

I am currently reading and working through a book called " Blessing or a Curse. You can chose. "
As I work through the book, chapter by chapter and reflect on the questions at the end of each chapter, I am doing some deep inner work.

I have just been reflecting on a chapter about words that are spoken over you, in particular how these words can take root within you and become a curse.
After hours of deep soul searching and prayer, I thought about one of my earliest and most painful memories.

I remember saying to my Mum I was hungry. I must have been about 3 years old. In a fit of temper my mother took out a huge bar of chocolate that was hidden in the sideboard  and taking my head in one hand and the bar of chocolate in the other and began ramming it into my mouth. Of course it wouldn't fit and the violence of the cold hard chocolate being forced into my tiny mouth was deeply traumatizing.

More traumatizing still were the words spoken over me and the injustice. My mother was sure I had seen the chocolate and had hidden away for herself for later. But I had not seen it! I had merely said I was hungry and I was therefore shocked at her burst of rage.

But worse than the moment were the feelings that I internalized in that moment. In came the lie that,
 I was worthless.
I was unloveable.
There was something fundamentally wrong with me.
My mother didn't love me, she didn't even like me.
I was not good enough.

Cruel words may have been spoken over me, but the enemy twisted and turned those words within me. Stabbing me with unrelenting torment.

My Father leaving when I was 5, left me feeling abandoned and alone and subsequent beatings only reinforced my conclusion that I was unloveable.
I ran away often but I could never outrun that broken inner child, she always came with me. Later I became a " heat seeking missile! " Looking for Love anywhere I could find it!

In this moment, as a woman fast approaching 50, I cry tears that have been locked away inside for years. I can recall every feeling I felt.
 These feelings have been my constant companions all of my life.

But what if Jesus had been there, right there in that awful moment.
I believe He would have taken me into His arms and said. " You a're a  beloved child of mine! You are precious in my sight! I created you for a purpose and I delight in you! "
I believe, He would have then put me down and turned to my Mother with eyes full of love.
 A love that melted away years of pain and confusion. I know my Mothers pain was so immense that she was projecting it into me. Her pain in that moment was greater than mine, as it welled up inside of her.
Her own feelings of unworthiness, her own broken and damaged inner child. A childhood deprived of love and affection and then a marriage where love was withheld.

I know Jesus, that  with two outstretched arms you would have held us both, wiping away every tear. Two precious and broken daughters! The deep peace off out presence bringing wholeness.
Your gaze filled with unconditional love, healing even the deepest wounds, redeeming our lives from the pit of despair and crowning us both with love and compassion and calling us your own.

I recently heard Ana Werner speaking about her book "Warriors Dance." She said something in an interview which deeply resonated with me as truth. When we experience a trauma, in that very moment a lie from the enemy can take root. One of the enemies biggest lies is the lie that we are not good enough !

I know that as a small child this lie took hold within me. It may have been just a few moments of despair for my mother, but the enemy has used it in an attempt to destroy my life. Every knee jerk reaction, every wrong decision and every wrong turning in my life can reinforce the lies believed in a few moments of despair!
How many precious lives, of precious daughters are destroyed by such lies!
Zephaniah  3 v17 says that " God delights over us with singing! "Psalm 139 says that we are known,  and in verse 13 it states,  we were knit together in our Mothers womb.

We were created by the creator of heaven and earth to be vessels of His love.
I totally forgive my lovely Mum. The years of emotional abuse and trauma that she suffered as a child were greater than mine. She didn't know what she was doing.
As Jesus in His dying moments said,

 " Father forgive them, for they know not what they do. "

 So many times we don't know what we are doing. We are blinded and confused and crippled by pain and trauma.
So many of us don't know what love looks like, so few of us experienced it in childhood. The walking broken and wounded are everywhere. Love was so often conditional and some of us were totally unable to meet the conditions!

Praise God that a few years after this incident my Mother was saved. She woke up one morning singing a beautiful hymn of praise and Jesus had her heart from that day on.
She is no longer with us, but Jesus holds her now.
After years of running away Jesus brought me back with a simple song.
 " I'm coming back to the heart of worship and it's all about you. It's all about you Jesus! "

You hold me now Jesus and I am yours forever.


I am serving as a missionary in Albania. To support my ministry please click here.