A New Spirituality or the Worlds Oldest Lie Part 4
I had picked myself up, so many times,
Filled my mind with so many lies!
Caring for the children, had kept me strong,
They were growing up, now and moving on.
I had tried to keep going for so long,
But everything, had gone, so terribly wrong!
I decided, to clear my mind and see,
Which of these voices, was really me!
I had become disillusioned with New Age Spirituality.
There didn't seem to be any love of light, only money making flights of fancy!
I had become so lost in it all, I didn't know who I was any more!
I decided to stop it all, stop reading, stop meditating, stop chanting, stop searching, stop striving and just simply be.
It was just so exhausting trying so hard to improve myself, all the time.
Then something truly remarkable happened, my mind began to play a song!
As I worked that special day, this song stayed with me and played in my mind on repeat.
"I'm coming back to the heart of worship
And it's all about you,
It's all about you Jesus.
I'm sorry Lord, for the thing I've made it,
But it's all about you, it's all about you,
It's all about you, Jesus.
At this time, I worked as a live in carer, and I was caring for an elderly client in Fleet, Hampshire.
On my break I popped out to Sainsbury's, and as I sat on the bench outside, I was approached by three ladies.
They said, we have a message for you, " God loves You! "" Can we pray with you. "
The ladies explained that they were from Fleet Baptist Church, and that God has led them to me. These ladies often witnessed to people in the street and were called
" Treasure Hunters. "
As we stood praying in the street, I was so deeply moved that God should send these ladies with this beautiful message to me!
Despite all my brokenness, all my sinfullness, God still loved me!
That evening, I lay prostrate on the floor , and I cried out to God,
"I do not want to take another step, in this world, without you God!
I do not want to get off this floor, without you in my life! "
" Please Father, forgive me, and save me! "
I have no idea, for now long I laid there praying and sobbing.
I do know though, that when I got up, everything changed.
My mind was constantly filled with worship songs, many of them, my old Sunday school choruses.
Songs I thought I had long forgotten, flooded my mind.
I woke in the morning with a song of praise in my mind, and I still do.
My mind was full of bible verses, they were a constant meditation.
It was as though my mind and heart were being cleansed by the word of God.
I remembered my Sunday school days and my childhood church, with startling clarity.
It was as though God had taken the last 35 years and thrown them into the depths of the sea! ( Micah 7 v 19)
When I contacted, old friends from my childhood church, they must have been surprised.
Here I was popping up after so many years, even though, to me it was like yesterday!
I told them I had found Jesus, I was a christian now.
Actually, some were not surprised, but thrilled, as they had prayed with my mother for this very event, before she died!
I have no doubt that the faithful prayers of my mother, during my entire life, were answered.
I pray all the more earnestly for my sister and children, for this very reason!
It's so beautiful, that my mother came to the Lord, when she woke up with a song of praise on her lips.
I believe it was, " Blessed Assurance!
And a song of praise, had also brought me home!
I wanted to know God, I wanted Him to be in every cell of me, in my very DNA.
I prayed that every cell in my body would say " Jesus! "
I imagined being like a stick of seaside rock which had the word " Jesus" running right through the centre of it!
I wanted to the name of "Jesus" to be right in the centre of me!
I listened to many sermons, I loved the solid teaching of Derek Prince and David Pawson.
I began to read my bible, I wanted to read it from cover to cover!
As I read one day, I came across a verse about idolatry.
Suddenly I was crushed, with the heart wrenching realisation of my sin.
My beautiful, awesome, Father in Heaven loved me so much and I had put everything before Him, everything!
I wept, as I was intensely affected, in the very core of my being!
Not just by my sin, but the revelation of how much God loves us!
It is hard to explain when the Holy Spirit reveals something to you.
It is so profoundly, layered and all consuming!
I knew two things in that moment, what true repentance was,
and that the whole world needed to know about this love!
The love of Our Good, Good Father!
Who is the best Father there is, or ever could be!
I spent many hours repenting, days even!
There was alot!
There were things, that in the light of the immense love of God, I struggled to forgive myself for!
I asked God
" What about all my failed attempts to go back to church? "
The answer came back as clear as a bell!
" Do you want a relationship with them, or with me? "
Of course, I was making my relationships with Christians, my focus!
I wanted their love and acceptance.
I was going back to church, because I believed deep down it was the right thing to do!
Previously it had not been about wanting a deep relationship with my God and King!
He wanted me to know Him,
He wanted me to be in a deep, loving, all consuming relationship with Him!
He is first in all things!
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